We're Sorry

Sanlorenzo SX88 Base Hull

Italian-made, 88 feet of asymmetrical perfection. Five cabins. Because your jealousy needs somewhere to sleep it off.

Estimated cost: $4,800,000

Helicopter Landing Pad

For when the marina is too far and driving is for people who split checks.

Estimated cost: $180,000 (retrofit)

Infinity-Edge Hot Tub on Foredeck

Heated to the exact temperature of other people's envy.

Estimated cost: $45,000

Climate-Controlled Wine Cellar

200-bottle capacity. Pre-stocked with Dom Pérignon because boxed wine is a lifestyle I've already outgrown mentally.

Estimated cost: $120,000 (including initial stock)

Underwater Observation Lounge

A glass-bottom room for looking down. At the ocean. At fish. Metaphorically at everyone who isn't here.

Estimated cost: $350,000

Recording Studio

In case I develop musical talent at sea. Statistically unlikely. But the speakers are professional-grade regardless.

Estimated cost: $85,000

Hydraulic Swim Platform with Pool

A swimming pool. On the ocean. On a yacht. Redundancy is the ultimate flex.

Estimated cost: $200,000

NFT Aquarium

Real tropical fish. Displayed next to screens showing dead NFT floor prices. Art or commentary? Both. Neither. Who cares, it looks sick.

Estimated cost: $65,000

Gold-Plated Anchor

Zero additional function. Maximum psychological impact. That's the entire point.

Estimated cost: $28,000

Starlink Maritime Internet

Gigabit internet at sea so donors can watch me enjoy their contributions via live stream. Customer service at its finest.

Estimated cost: $10,000/year

Private Chef's Kitchen

Commercial-grade galley. The chef prepares meals that cost more than your weekly grocery haul. Per plate. Daily.

Estimated cost: $150,000 (build-out) + $120,000/year (chef salary)

Imported Glacier Ice Machine

Regular ice is for regular people. This machine produces ice from Norwegian glacier water. For my cocktails. Obviously.

Estimated cost: $15,000